A few Quarters ago, a sad event took place here in Seattle. Hansa the baby elephant died. Leaving the comentary about animals locked up in zoos aside, something struck a chord with many people about this loss. This quote from the SeattlePI stood out for me as I thought about our class:
For 9-year-old Zachary Osborn, the news was almost too much to absorb. Stunned and sad-looking, he had no words.
"He has a connection to the elephants," said his mom. "We need to go have a discussion now about life and death, and the suddenness of it all."
I'm thinking that 9 years age is a bit of a late start. Of course, I'm not suggesting that every fact about death need be discussed to 4 year olds. But let me begin here:
Children’s Understanding of Death
* Most develop realistic concept of death by middle childhood
o Permanence (formal logical definitions)
o Universality
o Nonfunctionality* Factors that affect understanding
o Experience with death
o Religious teachings
o Candid and sensitive discussion with adults
Tips on discussing death with kids (Too bad there isn't a fail safe manual, but these are some good ideas):
* Get a Handle on Your Own Feelings
o Most parents mistakenly wait until a loss occurs before discussing this, which may not be the best time since the parents have to deal with the loss.* Teach Your Child About the Circle of Life
o Take time to think about it before it happens
o The dying blooms on the roses in the garden can teach a lesson about life and death, as can the changing seasons or the death of a family pet.* Include Your Child in Your Own Grief
* Be Honesto The inclination is to shield your grief; don’t try because you can’t. What you will end up doing is teaching your child that it’s not okay feel pain nor is it okay to talk about feelings of loss.
o Instead give the child hope that pain passes. Pain is apart of living and that it will subside if you let it.
o Pets are sad losses, too, and it can be a mistake to replace a pet with a new one too soon. Grieving takes time, but it's a healthy and necessary process. Replacing a pet too soon might prevent healthy development of grief.
o But not brutally honest. Only give as much information as your child asks for (by the way, this is good advice when talking to kids about sex, too).* Be Spiritual
o Kids will want to know if Mom and Dad are going to die, or they themselves; be honest but emphasize that that will be a long time away and that the child will be taken care of.
o Avoid clichés (grandma has gone to sleep, or has gone away) because kids will simply ask more questions (when will they come back?)
o It’s ok to say “I don’t know.” This is true for just about any topic, of course.
o Religion can give meaning and help interpret tragic events and provide comfort in knowing what happens after death.* Keep the Memories Alive
o Even if you aren’t religious, there is opportunity to discussing that life, now--in the moment, has a higher meaning. Remember that when kids ask why, they are asking the question of ‘how’ but also the ‘what is the purpose.’
o Commemorate the one who has died. Be it a parent, sibling, friend, or even a pet, don’t ban discussion; instead, talk about the memories, create a photo album, light a candle during dinner, make bread, plant a tree.
o Have kids partake in rituals that are accepted by your family/culture as a means to appreciate lives that have been lived.
Adolescents’ Understanding of Death
* Logically understand death, but have problems applying idea to their real lives
o Beware of high-risk activities
* Talks with parents help understanding
Adulthood and Understanding of Death
· Early adulthood: Avoidance, death anxiety is higher, but death is considered distant.
· Middle Adulthood: Begin to think of death and aware of time left
· Late Adulthood: think and talk more about death and have practical concern about how and when.