Chapter 8 Reading Guide

1. Describe several differences between the way men and women communicate. Remember that these are generalities.

2. Think about how you would describe "intimacy." What does it mean to you to be on intimate terms with another human being. (Be aware that there are different levels and types of initmacy---the intimacy between a mother and baby, between young lovers, between an adult and an aging parent who needs a lot of care, etc. Obviously, initmacy in many contexts doesn't involve sex). But here, let's think about the intimacy of two people in a loving relationship as a couple. How does your text describe intimacy? . Intimacy doesn't occur overnight---it is something you nurture, you cultivate, but there are factors which make intimacy with some more desirable than with others. Factors that promote interest between the genders have involve much more than physical attractiveness.

3. How do you think our author would describe a "good" relationship? A "bad" one? How would YOU describe each?

4. What does the author call the "love" neurotransmitters? What effect do they have on the brain (by the way, this is EXTREMELY oversimplified)? What role does oxytocin play?

5. Differentiate between passionate love and companionate love. Are the two mutually exclusive? What is mature love?

6. What are some advantages of being in a happy marriage? Do you think these advantages dissipate if the marriage is chronically unhappy (I say "chronically," because all marriages go through rough periods)?

7. Describe some unrealistic expectations people often have when they enter a relationship or marriage.

8. Describe codependence and enabling behaviors. Be sure to list some specific characteristics.

9. Describe several characteristics of a "good" relationship.

10. Answer the multiple choice questions on pp. 229-232.

Supplemental Lectures

I. Is love always the number one consideration in choosing a mate? Apparently not! Some cross-cultural research points out some differences. Below, the place where love ranks in selecting a partner is given, as well as what else ranked as important...
Ranking of love as a factor in choosing a spouse---(where love ranked is given by a number):
US: 1st
Iran: 3rd, education/intelligent, ambition, chastity
Nigeria: 4th, good health, refinement, desire for home and children
China: 6th, good heath, chastity, domestic skills
South Africa--Zulu: 7th, emotional stability, maturity, dependable character

II. Oxytocin- one of the coolest hormones in the animal world! -a little more info-

Oxytocin is a hormone that has a variety of effects. For example, it causes contractions of the vaginal walls, penis and glands during both male and female orgasm, and also causes contraction of the uterus during childbirth.

All mammals have oxytocin. In addition to causing muscular contractions, oxytocin (as the book briefly discussed) can affect the brain. One specific effect oxytocin can have on the brain is to enable it to make some very specific and important memory connections: it helps you bond emotionally. During sexual activity or childbirth, there is a surge of oxytocin in the blood. Besides causing contractions, that oxytocin also prepares the brain to bond emotionally with the person you are around (mate or child). Here are a couple of examples from non-human mammals:

There is a species of rodent that is strictly monogamous (very rare for mammals in general). When a young pair mates for the first time, each experiences a surge of oxytocin. In this species, that surge causes their brains to wire in such a way that each will only accept the other as a mate thereafter!

When goats give birth, they experience a surge of oxytocin. The surge lasts for about 5 minutes post-birth. If a mother goat is exposed to her kid (that is the technical term) within that 5 minute period, she will recognize her kid and act maternally, even if you remove the kid for hours after then. But, if you remove the kid when it is born and expose the mother after the 5 minute window, she will be unable to make the connection and will reject her kid!

Oxytocin is powerful stuff, and there is evidence that it plays a very important role in emotional bonding in humans.